


The Unluckiest Guy on the Planet

by FrostedGear



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Heavily inspired by One Punch Man, Humor, Itachi is King, Itachi is a wimp
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-01
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:29:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24492796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrostedGear/pseuds/FrostedGear
Summary: Itachi isn't the man everyone thinks he is. He's not brave. He's not a hero. He's not a martyr. He's not even strong. He's just been in the wrong place at the right time for years.
Comments: 28
Kudos: 231





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly a draft I guess? It's a little idea I had and I may or may not expand it as time goes on.

Itachi had never been a skilled ninja. He couldn’t throw a kunai at a target straight. He couldn’t make a clone. The very idea of getting in a fight with someone was petrifying to Itachi. His Sharingan had bloomed into existence during a panic attack when his team had been interrupted on a basic D-rank mission to accompany the Daimo on a purely ceremonial trip. Real ANBU had been guarding the trail. They were meant to fight, not Itachi. But instead, his team had been killed and Itachi had been too scared to move, somehow phasing into the background and surviving the ordeal, now with two Sharingan in tow.

His father had been ecstatic to learn Itachi had activated the dojutsu, praised Itachi's ability to activate it for long periods of time and to mature it in a handful of months. The reality being that the Sharingan blossomed with Itachi’s fright, and since it was his primary emotion, the Sharingan saw a lot of use, tomoe maturing even though Itachi had yet to use any of the new abilities his father reeled off.

Shisui of course was in utter stitches. At the academy the older boy had often shown up and demonstrated to Itachi how to throw weapons for target practise, then zipped away without retrieving his weapons from Itachi's target. As Itachi’s kunai and shuriken had flown so far off course as to not be in the training grounds any more, the academy instructors had naturally assumed Itachi had thrown the weapons perfectly, believing Shisui's work to be his.

“I don’t even know what Father means by the Eye Of Hypnotism,” Itachi lamented one afternoon, watching Shisui dance around the training area, kunai flying gracefully from his fingers occasionally crashing into equally well thrown shuriken to ricochet into hidden targets.  
  
“It’s part of how the Sharingan forms genjutsu,” Shisui explained, “Have you made any progress with genjutsu?”

“No, but I am fairly convinced Father is having a psychotic break.” Itachi sighed, “He thinks I’m forming some kind of illusion where death thrums in the ears of those affected. I didn’t realise he was able to hear how loud my heart was beating.”

Shisui laughed. “That's bonkers. Ooh! We should give it a name!”

“What? No! I need to come out with the truth!”

“How does ‘Death Call' sound? Or ‘The Itachi Engine'?”

“Shisui! Be serious!”

But Shisui's joke had taken root. The Song of Death had become Itachi's signature ‘jutsu'. The steady loud thump of Itachi’s heart seemed to scare Itachi's opponents just an iota more than he was petrified of them. This lead to spontaneous fleeing of enemies, weaker ones outright dying from being frozen stiff by Itachi as though in a powerful genjutsu then taken out by his comrades.

It had been even worse when ANBU black ops killed his clan and Danzo placed the blame squarely on Itachi. Fleeing the village, he had ended up with Akatsuki, a band of S-rank criminals that were clearly insane. They travelled in two's, which meant Itachi would be mostly on his own trying to handle squads of high levelled ninja trying to kill him. The Song of Death generally didn’t work against his assassins, though luckily Kisame, the man he had been paired with, was far more competent than Itachi and killed the ninja with a few flicks of his wrist, Kisame's sword Samehada tearing them to bloody ribbons.

  
When he was first rescued, Itachi had been entirely certain he was going to die. He stared up with wide eyes at the shark man as Kisame looked between the dead ninja and Itachi, who was shaking with fear as he cried on the floor, kunai still firmly in his pouch and a growing dark spot on his trousers from pissing himself. Unlike everyone else Kisame worked it out. And then rather than yell at Itachi or kill him for the lie, Kisame laughed and laughed until he passed out from lack of oxygen.


	2. The One Thing He Can Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we discover Itachi's singular ability

“Itachi killed all of the bandits in that camp?” The hologram of Akatsuki’s leader noted in surprise. He turned to survey the slight Uchiha, Itachi’s Sharingan glowing in the dark of the cave. “My my, you really are a prodigy.” Itachi had never been so glad that Akatsuki’s uniform included a high-collared cloak, hiding his panicked grimace from view as Leader’s strange ringed eyeballs studied him.

“Is something wrong, Leader?” Kisame asked pleasantly. He was grinning, Itachi knew, but there wasn’t anything he could do about it.

“Itachi, why are you not wearing the standard issue trousers?” Leader asked, looking at the black pants Itachi had brought in the next town over.

Itachi was quiet for a long moment, praying Leader couldn’t see him reddening in embarrassment. “They’re covered in urine,” he said slowly.

“What?”

Kisame cut in brightly, clarifying, “The piss of his enemies. They were trying to run from that Song of Death thing he does, but Itachi caught them and several of them wet their pants, the fluid staining his clothes. We got it off the cloak, but the rest of the uniform had to be thrown away.”

Leader hummed softly. “I’ll have Kakuzu send you a new uniform. Good work. I’ll contact you when your next mission is ready.”

Itachi and Kisame bowed deeply, the Uchiha only relaxing once the projection of Leader had disappeared. Sagging, he shot Kisame a pleading look.

“What? No self-respecting criminal wets themselves, dummy,” Kisame noted, starting to walk out of the cave they were in.

“That’s-!” Jogging to catch up with him, Itachi cried, “Why did you tell him I killed them all? You did all that!”

“So?” Kisame shrugged.

“ _So_ , Leader will assume like everyone else I’m some kind of freak ninja who can handle anything and give us even harder missions!” Itachi explained. Upon seeing Kisame light up at the prospect, Itachi whimpered. “That was your plan wasn’t it?”

“You know, you’re way more talkative now,” Kisame noted ignoring the question. “Is that because you aren’t crippled by the guilt of your lies? Or do I just not scare you anymore?” he leered, beady eyes and teeth cast into stark relief by the shadows of the cave.

Itachi hunched his shoulders. “Please don’t bare your teeth like that.”

Chuckling, Kisame reached out and ruffled Itachi’s hair. “This is great. Can you actually do anything with those Sharingan? Or should I be asking if you have any ability at all?”

Frowning, Itachi raised his hands to smooth his hair and re-secure it in a ponytail. “Not really. Everyone thought I was some genjutsu master, so I didn’t get many offers for training. And after I graduated the academy it was too embarrassing to take Sensei up on their offers when I still can’t throw a kunai straight.”

Kisame raised an eyebrow. “You can’t even do that?” Itachi shook his head. “Damn kid, you’re a miracle and not even in a good way.”

To say Itachi was hurt was an understatement. Clamming up, Itachi was mostly silent for the rest of their journey until they made camp in the evening, where he made a fire while Kisame went to hunt for their dinner.

“I’m surprised you could manage that on your own,” Kisame teased, “Fire jutsu?”

“Flint,” Itachi replied, holding the object up. “And if you lay off, I’ll cook dinner for us as a thank you for saving me,” he grumbled reaching for the rabbits in Kisame’s hand, the shark-man blinking in surprise.

He sat and watched in fascination as Itachi skinned and cut the meat from the bones, tossing the meat chunks into a pot along with some of their rations. All the while Itachi tried to ignore the staring, vaguely aware of the harsh beating of his heart echoing around them.

“Shit, this is amazing!” Kisame praised in surprise. “I thought you said you have no skills? I’ve never had meat this tender and juicy. You even made the vegetables taste good, how!?”

“I kept getting sent home early from the academy for good work, so I spent a lot of time in the kitchen helping my mother cook,” Itachi explained. Good work being Shisui acing target tests or that one time Itachi had substituted with a bag of paper bombs by accident and blown up half the classroom. His teachers had thought he’d mastered Exploding Shadow Clones and urged him toward early graduation.

“Then, I think we have the beginnings of a deal between us,” Kisame hummed. “You make dinner and I’ll kill anyone who fucks with us.”

“That… doesn’t sound overly promising,” Itachi sighed.

“Well let’s face it, you’re in too deep now, you might as well grab a shovel,” Kisame chuckled.

* * *

And grab a shovel he did.

Itachi knew it wasn’t wise to travel around the base on his own. Deidara had tried to explode him twice, his plans foiled as Kakuzu’s partner was thrown into the corridor _by Kakuzu_ , the poor man colliding with Deidara’s explosives, much to Kakuzu’s displeasure.

“Which one of you killed my partner?!” Kakuzu growled. “That’s my fourth one this week!”

Itachi’s heart beat like a thunderclap. Kakuzu looked him up and down, “How you haven’t killed Kisame yet with your temper is beyond me,” he huffed, stuffing his hands in his pockets and kicking the severed arm of his partner at Deidara. “Move it, blondie, I need to tell Leader another died.”

“Fuck you, hmm!”

Taking his chance to disappear, Itachi made himself scarce and went outside.

Generally speaking, if inside was full of insane murderers, outside should be lacking in them. And that was true for some time, allowing Itachi to relax in the general zen of tree branches rustling in the wind and the rhythmic tap of his sandals on the stone pathway.

The path rose into a series of stairs after a while, some of which were damp with rain water. Climbing the steps, Itachi was about half way up before he slipped, losing his footing and pitching forwards. At the same time, a snake lunged through the space where his torso had just been, its teeth narrowly missing biting into Itachi’s soft flesh.

“Damn, missed,” hissed a soft voice, the snake shooting back towards the speaker.

Mouth clamping shut to smother a whimper and Sharingan bursting into life as his heartbeat picked up again, Itachi slowly picked himself up and looked over his shoulder.

“Orochimaru.” His voice was tight as he tried to hide his fear from the Sannin.

“Now now, no need to be angry,” soothed the snake-man, looking a little fearful himself. “I’m not here to kill you, so silence your Song.”

“You tried to attack me,” Itachi pointed out, his heartbeat beating louder if that was even possible.

“Well… yes, yes I was,” Orochimaru admitted, swallowing thickly. “But there’s no need to kill someone over that.”

“Kakuzu’s on his fourth partner this week.”

“Kakuzu’s an outlier with a very bad temper,” Orochimaru reasoned, still sounding unnerved. Itachi didn’t reply, his heartbeat didn’t quiet. After a moment, Orochimaru took a step back. “I… ought to check on Sasori,” he excused, not turning around as he slowly backed away from Itachi. Once there was a significant amount of distance, Orochimaru took to the trees and vanished.

Watching him retreat, Itachi turned to the side, hearing laughter. “Kisame,” he sighed, his heartbeat quieting.

The shark-man came out of the nearby brush grinning. “Hey, partner. I could hear that Song of yours from the top of the stairs, what's actually making that noise?”

“… My heartbeat.”

Kisame blinked. “Seriously? Shit,” he whistled. “Well, I was going to come save you again, but it looks like you scared Old Snake Face off,” he noted, looking off in the direction Orochimaru had disappeared. “Do you know how to make mochi?”

Itachi blink owlishly. “Yes, why?”

“Just a craving. There’s a town nearby, we can go get the ingredients.”

Scratching his head, Itachi sighed, “Sure.”


	3. Chapter 3

Itachi and Kisame were between missions. Something Itachi particularly liked because it meant they weren't running to or from danger. Kisame however got fidgety during these times, itching for a spar.

Understandably, Itachi wasn't much in the way of a suitable sparing partner.

He was however, perfect to for target practise.

"Damnit, Kisame!" Itachi cried, running away from the shark-man as fast as his legs would carry him. "This is insane! Aaaahhhh!" Eyes bugging, Itachi ducked low, Samehada sweeping overhead. "You nearly killed me!"

"It's _fine_." Kisame insisted, flapping his free hand, the other holding Samehada comfortably against his shoulder. "Go on, keep running, I'm not tired yet and I want to try a water jutsu."

"You're going to give me a heart attack!" Itachi complained stumbling to his feet then bending over to pat the dirt from his kimono. Unable to perform a henge, Itachi had taken to masquerading as a civilian to hide from any more would-be assassins. With his hair down to obscure his face, no headband and a change of clothes that didn't scream ninja, the disguise worked quite well.

Kisame sighed, "Stop being dramatic. You know I won't kill you." Reluctantly, Itachi had to agree. As harrowing as it was running through the woods, Kisame hadn't actually hurt him. Looking his partner over, Kisame cocked his head. "You good?" Itachi nodded. "Great. You've got... twenty seconds head start. That should be plenty of time to do the seals."

"Most people wouldn't call that a head start," Itachi sighed, looking to the expanse of forest before him. A mess of trees, raised roots but thankfully no other ninja. "Just remember, you're making dinner tonight," he told Kisame before taking a breath and hurtling off as Kisame started to count down.

"Five... four... three... two," Kisame's voice carried through the woods, though Itachi could hardly hear him above his own panting breaths. "One and a bit... one and a bit less... one and a quarter... one." Itachi didn't have breath to question the odd counting at the end as the forest became flooded, sweeping Itachi off his feet with a yelp. Spinning head over arse, arms flailing for purchase on a tree branch, a boulder, _something,_ Itachi squeezed his eyes shut, the blurry scenery making him nauseous.

The world stopped spinning as suddenly as it started, the difference being Itachi's momentum was stopped by a warm body. Peeling himself away enough to see the person, Itachi swallowed thickly. Green jumpsuit, orange leg warmers, horrific bowlcut. Might Guy. Oh his luck was just dreadful at this point.

"Young man," addressed Guy, holding Itachi firmly so that the younger ninja could not escape. "Why is this forest full of water?" Looking around them, Itachi saw that not only were they perched in a high tree, Kisame's water had actually flooded the place, the water level tens of feet high in a controlled bubble some 200ft wide. Off in the distance, Itachi noticed a shadow in the water and assumed it was Kisame swimming just below the water's surface.

"There was a ninja... water jutsu," Itachi replied, hoping the rumours of Guy's awful memory were true.

"Huh," Guy mused, rubbing his chin. Turning easily and pushing Itachi towards the tree trunk, Guy said, "I'll have this fixed in a jiffy. You just wait there. Haaaaaaah!"

Itachi had never been so close to Guy as he opened up his chakra gates. Nor did he ever want to be again. Clutching the tree trunk as the other man's chakra snapped the branch they stood on, the pressure nigh unbearable, he was almost glad when Guy moved away towards the water.

"Morning Peacock!"

Flames burst from Guy's fists like a flamethrower, burning away not just the water but the forest too with their intensity.

Itachi felt his heartbeat start to pick up. "Kisame!" he shouted, looking for his partner amongst the flaming wreckage. No answer came and so reluctantly, Itachi began his descent towards the ground.

Not being equipped to deal with a fire of such magnitude, Itachi watched the flames for a moment before deciding to leave the area, stumbling across Samehada near the edge of the flaming portion. It laid under a burning branch and whining like a wounded animal.

Knowing better than to grab it by the hilt, Itachi removed his kimono obi and tied that around Samehada before dragging it along with him, looking rather like a small child with a pull along toy. Samehada gurgled, a sound Itachi hadn't heard from the sword before and so paused, turning around to look at the blade as it vomited up Kisame. Itachi blinked, then rubbed his eyes. Kisame was still crawling out of Samehada. Dropping the obi, Itachi threw up against the nearest tree.

"Hey... you okay, 'Tachi?" Kisame asked approaching him from behind to put a comforting hand on his shoulder, smelling fishier than usual and covered in a light sheen of _something_. Itachi purposely fought against imagining what kind of saliva a sword had.

* * *

Later, it was discovered that Guy reported tangling with Itachi Uchiha in the forest, and that the Uchiha had burned said forest down to escape with a civilian hostage called "Hibame".

Leader felt Itachi had done very well to battle the Beast of the Leaf, but asked that he try keep the damage to a minimum next time.

Kisame was just angry that Guy hadn't gotten his name right despite not meeting the man. Itachi made him seafood ramen in an attempt to get his spirits up. And then made Kisame swear never to have his sword eat him again.


End file.
